ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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