I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
