you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
