I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
