I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
