when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Randomize
