OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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