that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
