walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
