I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
This baby is an asshole
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
