Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Randomize
