You're a womanizer and a bitch.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
