Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Randomize
