I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
Randomize
