i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
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