The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
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