ya dads aren't the best wingmen
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
