Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
