How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
