4 words: hood of his car
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
