I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
