I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
