My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
