The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
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