last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
