my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Green mimosas i think yes
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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