Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
