there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
