she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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