The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
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