My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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