You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
