dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
