just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
