the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Randomize
