there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Randomize
