I just made out with a guy for $7.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
