You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Randomize
