hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future�
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
