We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
