I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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