My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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