My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
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