i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
where are you?
Hypothermia
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
