Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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