You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
