I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
