my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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