Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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