Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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