rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
