It's like a parade of train wrecks.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
